It's been a while, and a LOT has changed...

Back in May, Ava (Amanda) and I took a weekend trip to Newberg, OR and stayed at a bed and breakfast; this was our last "us" thing before she started school.

I made a comment; it was an observation that I made, and I hadn't evaluated the outcome before I made my comment. Said comment ruined the weekend; I almost lost her then. But we worked it out, and I have regretted it every day since.

A previous ex cheated on me; I have trust issues.

A few weeks after Newberg, Ava found a male friend in the church choir she joined with an elderly couple that we both know. The issues I had with my previous ex came to fruition, and caused another rift; even though she's never given me any reason to not trust her. She felt as though I was trying to control her and tell her who she was and was not allowed to hang out with, even though I was upfront with her regarding my experiences. Again, I regret my actions and I have learned from them.

A couple weeks ago, I planned a trip to the beach with Kolby and invited Amanda. She said she couldn't go because of school work but I kept pushing and trying to make it so she wouldn't lose out on the work and still be able to go. I left her place in a huff. Immediately after leaving, I realized how childish I had acted, and went back in to apologize. I thought things were okay.

On the way home from the beach, I got an email from her explaining to me that she does not need the stress that I put on her, as she had enough on her plate with school, work, and everything else she a responsibility to. And that was goodbye.

I didn't fight it; I knew she was right in her decision. The problem is, she is the ONLY person that I've been with that I could picture spending the rest of my life with. I try to be aware of my actions, but there are times that my feelings blind me, and I don't realize how I respond to certain situations. I believe that I've learned to be more aware of my responses; I can't say that I've overcome these problems, but I do believe that I've learned from them.

The first week was real rough on me. The Friday night after our goodbye, she accompanied me to a wedding where she didn't know anybody. We were able to talk and clear the air. After all was said and done, we thought that there was a chance that, when she gets back from Europe in August, we could talk some more about a future. My hope returned.

After the weekend, we had shared emails back and forth, and in the end, it turns out that there is not as much of a chance as I had hoped for. In the long run, we both want different things.

In my eyes, she was all I wanted. But, the fact remains, she has dreams that I can't, and will not, compete with.

She is a wonderful person; strong. I know that once she sets her mind to something, she will not stop until she succeeds. NOTHING will get in the way. I can't emphasize that enough.

I can NOT be responsible for holding her back. As much as I've wanted nothing more than to be in her life, the reality is, I might not be able to give her what she needs. I also cannot expect that she will be able to give me everything I need.

Unfortunately, in hindsight, I took everything for granted; I became selfish. I wanted to be with her for every second of every single day; it was unrealistic to want as much as I did.

They say, "you don't know what you've got until you lose it." I pushed it away.

Now, I am living with the regret of my actions. If nothing else, I hope that I have learned from this. Should I find someone new, I will cherish them. I will do what it takes to understand their needs.

I will NOT make the same mistakes again; even if it means that I will be single for the rest of my life.

Thank you for reading. Namaste.